the protagonist

thaughts on an ambiguous world

Sep 14

Almost Free

On the border,
So much the same, yet an eternity between
Our worlds so it would seem.

Moments before the end and I leave
You just so that I might capture your instant before
It is lost to the inevitable, clichéd, fade out.

Run in terror from your deepest
Desires for while the means is torture,
The cliff captures you within its all

Encompassing knowledge and you
Will fall and be Life, and I will no longer love
You just as I cannot love you now. Sic.

Aug 19

Salvation Lost

The stage stretches around her like a forest not long burnt.
Arsonists have devastated all but her beauty and her ambition
And so she fights on.

She gets ready to tell the world a truth, such that we might
Begin to know ourselves in relation, not just to experience, but to that
Which exists outside our own mind.

Yet ash still impregnates the air and static prevails.

The arsonist weeps.

Jul 29

Thoughts on the Moment

I’ve just realised that the moment dosn’t exist. The past exists because its everything that has ever happened. The future exists because it is everything that hasn’t happaned. The moment though…

If you try and capture the moment in your mind, it has already become the past. If you try to anticipate the moment, it you’re just predicting the future. No matter how close you get to it you just end up on one side or the other. So how can the moment, or in other words the present, actually exist in reality or our mind?

I’ll try and explain it more visually. Imagine a universe within an ember flying out of a bonfire. From the time it leaves the fire to the time it fades away is all time for that universe. In that time, all of creation, history, life, art exists and is destroyed. For the people within that ember, where eternity exists in a seccond, are they any closer to the moment? I can’t see how they can be when they are able to ask the same question.

So what does this mean? Well, it depends on whether you believe you to have to be within the moment to make any decision of free will.

Jun 11

Sonnet on Conformity

Born into insidious ambition,
The intellectual foetus is blind,
Deaf and dumb; our naive disposition
To unjustified passion kills the mind.
That perverted fall into subtlety,
Where time is a trap to all desire
And thought moves to grey ambiguity
Is as inevitable as raw fire.
That floods from high should keep their steady pace,
Why then should we not also? Does the rain
Not hold its crucial position in peace?
So submit to the fading life and pain.
No! Fuck the confines of the autocrat,
All that can be lost is this mindless fat.

Jun 06

Thoughts on the Combine

Anyone who’s read One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest will be familiar with the concept of the Combine. Ever since I read the book I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

For those who don’t know, the Combine is the ‘organisation’ that makes us conform to the norms of society. You’d probably be more familiar with the term ‘the man’ but it means the same thing.

To me the Combine is less like a group of people that pulls the strings that makes us do what we want them to do, and more like a force that is built inside our head at an early age by ourselves to stop us doing what others would consider unacceptable. However, we can live our whole lives and not even know its there.

I’m willing to bet that most of you would not break into a shop to steal a TV, or you wouldn’t steal your parent’s jewelry to sell for money, the after effects of this are such that you would not do it. That thing in your mind, that barrier that stops you doing it is what i see as the Combine. Some might say that is just logic, the bad outweighs the good, or even just good morals. It is our ability, however, to act irrationally that makes us human and it is in our nature to live day by day when things get tough. This is a force so powerful it prevents parents taking revenge on their child’s murderer.

Quite obviously the Combine serves a purpose. It keeps people in line and it allows for our society to run smoothly. It also punishes people to refuse to succumb to the Combine and do decide to steal that TV. It is absolutely necessary for the world we live in to function, but it comes at a cost.

Freedom. You may think you’re free, but your really not. For example, you physically could not throw your computer outside the window right now, there’s no way you could. If you could you would be one of the few that the Combine has little strength over. But would you be willing to buy another computer and do it again, and again, and again, just to prove that you are free? None of us are completely and utterly free.

But again, that is necessary. The Combine takes our freedoms away, but in return gives us the ability to achieve happiness and contentment. And in the end, that’s all that really matters, isn’t it? Or is it?

The Combine also dulls your mind. It makes you happy to just live. It makes you happy to sacrifice the present for the future. More so, it makes you happy to suffer in this life, so that you might live well in the next.

May 29


A dormant muscle deep inside my head suddenly contracts and I can see again.
It’s like an invisible hand has been over my eyes all these years and now it is gone and I can see again.
I can see the pointlessness and the emptiness and it hurts.
A deep, primeval fear wells up inside me and I fall back into my mind.
The silence builds up until I can no longer hear myself scream.
I don’t like it here and I’m scared.
Yet I would rather an eternity of this than to loosen my grip on the present.
The present.
How we sacrifice you for the future but when it comes…

May 13

Thoughts on Time

"But thought’s the slave of life, and life’s time’s fool,
And time, that takes survey of all the world,
Must have a stop”

Three clauses, of which only the first is reflected on very deeply in today’s world. I came across this poem in a novel by the 20th century intellectual Aldous Huxley. The novel, Time Must Have a Stop, is loosely structured around this poem by Shakespeare and deals with a person making the realisations that the poem expresses through harsh experience. This poem holds as much truth today as it did when it was written as it shows us how people see meaning in the world and one way that we can gain understanding from it.

The pointlessness and bleakness of life is an issue that you often hear people discussing. From a secular point of view it is a confronting topic that many refuse to deal with, whereas for religious people it is merely a “if there was no God” kind of topic and a standard response to attacks by atheists. The idea that our thoughts are slaves of our lives, or a “tool for making tools” as Aldous Huxley put it, holds true to an extent, but soon breaks down if it goes no further. If the mind were merely some tool controlled by unconscious forces any claims made by it about life and meaning would not hold any validity. Therefore, by people saying that this is true, it is proof that it is false. Thought is the slave of life, no doubt, but if it were nothing else then it would not even be able to make this partially valid generalisation.

"Life’s time’s fool". The significance of this is mostly practical. It means that by the movement of time, all of our life’s conscious planning and scheming is made nonsense of. "No considerable action has ever had all or nothing but the results expected of it." In any human situations, the numbers of variables that have an effect over the outcome of that event are so huge that it is impossible to make any reasonable foresight on the outcome of it, exceptions being controlled experiments and vast numbers that deal averages and ignore human involvement. Therefore, any predictions made by humans about the future rely on a large amount of faith. People choose to believe that life will always be heading towards better times, even if the immediate future seems bleak. However, by putting you faith in the existence of a better future, you sacrifice your only tangible possession, the present.

The final clause states that time must have a stop. This is not just some hopeful conclusion that brings about meaning, but that time does have a stop as a matter of brute experience. It is only by taking into account the idea of eternity that our thoughts are freed from its slavery to life and therefore the only way that we can stop time from rendering our life pointless. In other words, by searching for a metaphysical or spiritual world and grasping the concept of eternity, the way that we see the world and act within it will make more sense. Shakespeare expressed this in a less evangelical way when he said “Cease being ignorant of what you are most assured, your glassy essence, and you will cease to be an angry ape, playing such fantastic tricks before high heaven as make the angels weep.”

May 11

Love of Design

Drunken stereotypes meet and
Fight over matters of arrogance and

Outcomes are
A pain bent and

May 10

Thoughts on Individuality

The word individual no longer has any relevance in our world. With an odd 6.5 billion people alive in the world, what chance is there for a person to break their head above the mass of personalities that exist and become an individual?

The way I see it, to be an individual you have to be able to express views that are peculiar to your nature or that of a small group of people. Individuality is not relative and so even if your view was only believed by 0.1% of the world, that is still 6.5 million people that believe your view. Sure, you are in a minority no doubt, but you are in no way an individual.

Let’s just say (no matter how impossible) you did find a view that no person in the world would had ever considered. For a brief moment in time you would be an individual, but that would be only to yourself. To everyone else, you are just another one of the greedy masses that live and die in obscurity. For people to recognise your individuality they have to know your views. By knowing your views they will decide on whether they believe them or not. By doing this you sacrifice your individuality.

The only way to be an individual in our world is to be unknown. To be unknown is to conform to every other person who is unknown.

Individuality is dead to everyone but self.